ASSERTIVENESS: THE RIGHT WAY OF BEING!!

Assertiveness is the ability to formulate and communicate one’s own thoughts, opinions and wishes in a clear, direct, and non-aggressive way. It is the ability to express oneself and one’s rights without violating the rights of others. The ability to be assertive is an asset which is necessary to achieve worthwhile aims and impose some order and justice in one’s environment. Assertiveness does not equate to being selfish as one pays attention to not only his/her own rights but also is sensitive to the rights of others.

It would be good to understand here the difference between assertive behavior and other types of behavior. Aggressiveness means that one expresses one’s own rights but at the expense of degrading, or humiliating another individual whereas submissiveness means that one is just unable to express one’s rights and keeps compromising the self, leaving one with feelings of humiliation, guilt and dissatisfaction.

Thus the types of responses that one can give in a situation are different. Let us take a look at the types of responses and what they would mean:

• Submissiveness: I lose-You win


• Aggressiveness: I win-You lose


• Assertiveness: I win-You win

Thus one would understand that ‘When you communicate assertively, you are more likely to achieve your goal without becoming involved in a conflict with the other person which then leads one to the I win-You win position’.

But are there any reasons that are keeping you from being assertive? Let us explore some which may be the impediments that may not be allowing you to assert yourself:

• Fear of change.


• Refusal to admit one’s submissiveness.


• Fear of ruining relationships if you speak your mind.


• Lack confidence in your ability.

Dealing with the following before you embark on the journey towards transformation is important:

• Deal with the anxiety associated with change.


• Reconcile the conflicts within your value system.


• Assess the repercussions of being assertive.


• Prepare others for the changes they will see in your behavior or attitude.

Developmental measures on a way to Assertiveness…

What you could do to become assertive:

–USE “I” MESSAGES
An “I” message is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made up of three parts.

• Behavior – what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing


• Effect – what is happening because of their behavior


• Feelings – what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?

By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete information, leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.

-CHOOSE ASSERTIVE WORDS CAREFULLY

• Use factual descriptions instead of judgments


• Avoid exaggerations


• Use “I” not “You”


• Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership

-CHECK-UP 

Always checkup whether you have an assertive approach to situations or not.

-ACTION PLAN

Here are some communication techniques that can help you convey a positive assertive attitude:

• Use suitable facial expressions, always maintaining good eye contact.


• Keep your voice firm but pleasant.


• Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures.


• Listen…and let people know you have heard what they said.


• Ask questions for clarification.


• Look for a win-win approach to problem solving.

BENEFITS OF ASSERTIVENESS:

Embark on this journey towards assertiveness; motivate yourself towards being assertive as the benefits are immense:

• Better management of relationships


• More balanced lifestyle


• Improvement in productivity and effectiveness as a worker


• More in control of one’s daily schedules and plans


• Reduced stress.

Ms. Shital Ravi
Sr. Consulting Psychologist
Psychometrica

ASSERTIVENESS: THE RIGHT WAY OF BEING!!

How well do you handle your anger? FIND OUT!!

Anger is a natural human emotion and is nature’s way of empowering us to “ward off” our perception of an attack or threat to our well being. The problem is not anger, the problem is the mismanagement of anger. Mismanaged anger and rage is the major cause of conflict in our personal and professional relationships.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.

On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.

Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

Take a few moments to answer these questions to determine the need for you to make some changes in your lifestyle. This questionnaire is purely a simple indicator of the amount of anger that you may currently be experiencing within your particular lifestyle.  It is not a substitute for seeking professional medical advice or diagnosis.

Checklist:

1.Waiting in line, or waiting for other people, really annoys me.

a] True b] False

2.I never get mad enough to throw things.

a] True b] False

3.When someone says or does something that upsets me, I don’t usually say anything at the time, but later spend a lot of time thinking up cutting replies I could and should have made.

a] True b] False

4. I seldom feel that people are trying to anger or insult me.

a] True b] False

5. I find it very hard to forgive someone who has done me wrong.

a] True b] False

6.I’ve been so angry at times I couldn’t remember things I said or did.

a] True b] False

7.If I get really upset about something, I have a tendency to feel sick later, either with a weak spell, headache, upset stomach, or diarrhea.

a] True b] False

8. I have no enemies who really wish to harm me.

a] True b] False

9. People I’ve trusted have often let me down, leaving me feeling angry or betrayed.

a] True b] False

10. Once in a while I cannot control my urge to harm others.

a] True b] False

11. If someone doesn’t treat me right, I don’t let it annoy me.

a] True b] False

12. When I look back on what’s happened to me, I can’t help feeling mildly resentful.

a] True b] False

13. When I disapprove of my friends’ behavior, I let them know it.

a] True b] False

14. I can think of no good reason for hitting anyone.

a] True b] False

Scoring:

If you have answered ‘true’ to the following statements please give yourself ‘1’:

2, 4, 8, 11, 13, 14.

If you have answered ‘false’ to the following statements please give yourself ‘1’:

1, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12.

Now total the number of “1” responses.

Interpretation:

If your total is more then 10:

This score indicates that you tend to be calm and do not get angry easily. You are able to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You have learnt to control your reactions and are able to handle your responses in an appropriate manner.

If your total is between 5 and 9:

This score indicates that you experience moderate levels of anger. Though you are managing this emotion fairly well some changes in the present way of functioning would be beneficial.

If your total is between 0 and 4:

This score indicates that many a times you experience intense feelings of anger, and are unable to handle it in an appropriate and suitable manner. If you are finding yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you must seek help to finding better ways to deal with this emotion.

Now that you have already taken the test, you know your scores. If the score is between 0 and 4, below are a few strategies that will help you work on your anger.

Strategies to Keep Anger at Bay:

• Try using simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery to calm down angry feelings.


• Change the way you think. Try replacing angry thoughts with more rational ones.


• When angry, slow down and think carefully about what you want to say.


• At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.


• Humor can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective.


• Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.


• You might consider counseling to learn how to handle your anger better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

Ms. Shital Ravi.
Senior Consulting Psychologist.
Psychometrica and Career Pathways.

How well do you handle your anger? FIND OUT!!